National Suicide Prevention Week 2013 - My Story

So today I'm going to share my story because its important for society to realize that its ok to have mental health problems, and its ok to talk about them. And that it is also more than ok to receive treatment when its needed.

If you've followed my blog, (or know about this part of my life) then you know that my freshman year of high school was really difficult for me. Well in 8th grade my parents took me to a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with A.D.D but also they found that I had another problem. I had what is called Oppositional Defiant Disorder (O.D.D). It is kind of hard to wrap your mind around it unless you've really studied it or have experienced it. But basically you are stubborn but you don't have a choice in it. You HAVE to be stubborn. You HAVE to object to what authority figures tell you.

At first my mom thought it was just normal "teenager rebellion" behavior. But then it got really bad. And nobody else seemed to have as big of a problem with their kids as my family was having with me.
Every single day was a battle. Everyday we fought. And it was all because of me. But I wasn't aware of it.

So I would continue going to the psychiatrist and when I started having hardships in high school, I was then diagnosed with clinical depression. And I was really really depressed.

And for some reason when all my high school drama started, I began to to see that I was this difficult child. And I started to feel guilty for how I had been treating people. I still had some O.D.D - I couldn't control it, but I hated what I was doing to my family.

I have never once had thoughts of self harm, and I have never been suicidal. But I have had an overwhelming feeling that I was a burden to the people around me. That maybe my family would be better off if I wasn't around. I didn't want to make it so I wasn't around, but I did acknowledge that I was causing struggle within my family.

So with depression you aren't always depressed.  You can have phases. Sometimes, yes you will just be depressed for no reason. Other times, its just when sad things happen and you just get really really sad. Ive cried to the point that I threw up. I had days where I just couldn't stop crying. All I wanted to do was sit and cry and be sad about life.

Over time when you have depression you learn ways to help yourself out. It doesn't mean that you aren't as effected by the hard times that life brings, it just means you know how to get yourself out of you black hole of sadness.

Eventually I wasn't allowed to be in my room unless I was sleeping. My mom realized that I would go in my room and just cry. All day long. And when she figured that out my room became off limits. Because I needed someone to hold me accountable - someone to tell me to pull myself together and calm down. And left to my own devices, I would just dwell on things and become more and more depressed.

My O.D.D went away - it tends to do that as you grow up, and with some behavior therapy.

I took medicine for clinical depression up until my Junior year of high school, and then reduced the dose so now it is only treating anxiety. (Ive probably had anxiety since I was in elementary school, because I remember having times where I would be sick from worrying so much; but I only started getting it treated in high school.)

As of right now I am on a 30mg dosage. My junior year  in high school it was at 20mg. And when high school ended and I started college the dosage was at 40mg. All of those are considered anxiety dosages, when it goes up to 60mg that is considered a depression dose.

My freshman year of college was hard. And I probably did get depressed. But it wasn't clinical. I started having sessions with my psychiatrist more often, but I wasn't re-diagnosed because I had learned a lot through my past experience with it.

When I was most recently broken up with, I spent three days crying on the couch at my parents place. But that was it. Just 3 days. After that I forced myself to be bigger than the sadness. I knew life would go on, and that I was wasting away the precious time we are given to live our lives.

I know I was made to be happy. I am a very happy person when life is going right. But when it gets hard, I change. I am visible sad. And I know that it effects the people who care about me, so I have decided that I need to hold my self accountable so I don't make the people around me sad.

I am not ashamed or embarrassed by it. I am proud to be who I am and I am forever grateful for the treatment I have received and continue to receive.

Your Story is Important

This week is national suicide prevention week. To Write Love on Her Arms has made a schedule of what each day will be devoted to this week and today is "Your Story is Important"

Before I start this long post (which is 100% worth reading) I want you to know that if you would like to talk to me about this, I am here for you to talk to. My email is on the right hand side under my picture. And I will be here for you to talk to. I want to help in any way that I can.


Suicide used to be the leading cause of death among people ages 15-24 but now it has changed to the leading cause of death for people 15-49.

 “[Suicide] now takes more lives than war, murder, and natural disasters combined" (TWLOHA - Newsweek Covers Suicide).


Unfortunately the society we live in has come up with many lies about people who are effected by mental illness and people who are suicidal. This stigma keeps us from sharing our struggles and seeking treatment when we really need it.

   "Perhaps it is the lie that suicide only affects people who are “messed up,” the idea that depression only reaches those who are weak, or even the belief that if we share our struggles with someone, they will not understand or care.  We have to learn that issues like depression, addiction, and suicide are not partial to weak people, but are struggles any of us may walk through, simply because we are human 
   It is within our society and culture that the effects of stigma are felt. These effects range from the silence and shame surrounding mental health issues to the oppressive attitudes toward those struggling, even influencing the way treatment options such as therapy and medication are viewed. The powerful stigma attached to mental health communicates an illusion of separation between those who struggle and those who don't—a false dichotomy between the healthy and the sick." (TWLOHA- Challenging Stigma). 


This all needs to change. We need to learn to be accepting of people who have mental illness. We need to understand that it is very dangerous when people go without treatment for depression and other mental health problems. It is ok to talk about your problems. Its actually not ok when you don't talk about them.

There are a lot of excuses you can come up with as to why you don't want/shouldn't go to/don't need treatment

•  Even if you cannot afford to go to a psychiatrist or counselor, there are other avenues. At my university they offer counseling to students, and your first session is free. And after that, if you cannot afford to pay the fee for additional counseling session, they can refer you to a counselor training program where you go and see a PhD student and you pay $20 one time and you can go to 1 session a week for an entire semester. Go to a church and ask to speak with a pastor. You don't have to "be a Christian" to go. They are they to help you. They might know someone in the church who can help you out free of charge. 

• Your family doesn't "acknowledge mental health problems." Wanna know what I have to say about that? Who cares. You've acknowledged that something isn't right, and you need help. When peoples families don't acknowledge mental health problems (or the person thinks that their family doesn't acknowledge it/they don't care) things like school shootings happen. People are bullied and hurt and don't have anyone to confide in and then innocent people die. I'm not saying that happens in every situation, but it can happen and it will continue to happen as long as our society views depression and other things along the lines of that as taboo. 

• You think you're problems aren't that bad and its dumb that you're sad because there are people who have it way worse than you. Its not about other people. Its about you. There is something in your brain that is off, and that is why you are depressed. Sometimes it has to do with your situation, but everyone who has depression has a chemical imbalance in their brain. You might not have anything really to complain about, yet still have depression. And guess what. Your depression is just as important as someone who has depression and is in an abusive relationship.

•  You think that you will still be in a crappy situation even if you aren't depressed, and that will cause you to be depressed again. When you get treated for depression, you also get somebody to talk to. Someone to give you advise. When you aren't so down and out about life all the time, you can concentrate on ways to get out of your crappy situation, and go on enjoying life.

• You think you don't deserve to be happy. And this one is the biggest lie of all. Everyone deserves happiness. Some people think they just weren't meant to be happy. When someone tells me that I laugh at them because they are so wrong. We are all made to be happy. We are all also given hardships, and depression might be one of yours. But we are given these hardships to help us grow, and so we can help others around us who are fighting the same fight. Happiness is easy to find when you want to find it. But when you are depressed, you don't want to leave your room, so you don't find anything to be happy about. Its insane how many things there are to smile about. If you cant think of anything go find a puppy and I'm sure you'll be able to find happiness there. 

• You don't have time because you have more important things to deal with. No. Absolutely nothing is more important than this. School might be something you need to dedicate your time to so you can have a successful career in the future. Guess what. If your depression gets so bad that you are suicidal, and you end up killing yourself, then your future is gone. When you get treated for depression you are making the biggest investment in your future that you possibly can make. And school work gets easier after that. You aren't spending so much time thinking about how miserable you are, and it becomes so much easier to accomplish the things that are important to you. 

Inspiration List - Impact Your World

So last night I made the mistake of going on Facebook before I went to bed. And of course my feed is full of pictures from your going away dinner last night. Which I actually didn't have any idea about until 7pm and I also didn't realize you were actually moving back East. Huge curve ball right in my face. Anyways the reason going on Facebook was a mistake is because I couldn't stop crying. Probably for a good hour. I was going to write this post then but I was really tired and thought this wouldn't help me falling asleep. 

Side note - this post doesn't follow the order I was going in but it needs to be shared now so I will resume with my regular order after this post. 

Last time our youth pastor left I was absolutely devastated. So devastated that I refused to meet our new one for a few months. I didn't want anyone to replace Jared and I didn't think anyone could live up to my expectations. (Jared if you're reading this don't worry there is going to be one about you soon!)

One night my parents decided to have our new youth pastor and his wife over for dinner, and that night I decided I wanted him to be my new best friend. 

This happened some time in the Summer of 2010. And little did I know at that time - he was going to become one of the most influential people in my life. 

Theres a statistic like 80% of all high school graduates that attend church stop attending church once they graduate. And if it wasn't for you I would be part of that 80%. 

I believe in God today because of what you have taught me. 

I don't know that I've ever been able to look at someone and say "you can see how much love they have for this," with just about everything they do. But with you its there. 100% - everything you do there is love pouring out of your heart and soul and it inspires me so much. Whenever you talk about your students I feel renewed in my love for helping them. I want to be  just like you in those moment - I want people to see how much love I radiate for the people around me. 

And how you are with Laura make my heart sing. You love her so much. And everyone knows it. The other day I got an email from you and one of the recipients was "Sweet Cheeks." It might be silly to some people but its just another example of you radiating love. One day I hope that I can be in a relationship where the love is that apparent. 

And to Laura - I have been so excited to start spending more time with you. I feel like I'm finally starting to get to know you better and I love the person that you are. I know it took some time for you to get used to being the pastors wife and having it be the super outgoing youth pastors wife probably didn't make it much easier. But I love watching you interact with your girls. You are such an amazing role model and they all have such an amazing time with you.  

I love that our youth group was called Impact. It fits you perfectly. You impacted us all so much. You told us to impact the world around us - to inspire people to be the best that they can be and to show love in everything they do. And now more than ever I can see how perfectly you lived that out. 

I have gone through many "life" moments that make you want to just give up on everything and stop having faith. But you have been there for me in all of those moments ready with the perfect advise to help me persevere and keep my chin up. 

My freshman year of college was so hard for me but coming to Impact on Sundays helped me remember how many people cared about me and how much love I was surrounded with. I was ready to give up on God, but you kept that from happening. 

I said it before in one of my posts. But I credit the church for who I am today. Without MMCC I wouldn't be someone that I'd want to be around. And right now, I can say I love who I am. And most of that is because of you. You have helped me learn to surround myself with people who are loving and inspirational. And these people are around because of you. You have so many leaders for your students and we all are there because we believe in you and your mission. You helped me become a leader and you've shown me that I too can impact the world around me by doing everything with love. 

At our most recent beach camp we talked about Mother Teresa's quote - doing small things with great love. And I believe with all my heart you did more than that. You did great things with great love. And because of that you have changed so many peoples lives. 

I told my girls at camp that they could be there during the leader meetings so they could hear you talk about your students. And how much love he has for each and every one of them. I think its incredible how much I can see love just pouring out of you when you talk about them. 

I think I could make this post go on forever. Thats how many things are going through my mind about how much you have done in my life. 

I was heart broken when our last youth pastor left. And I should've known that my heart would be broken this time as well. 

So 

Ryan Chaisson 

This one is for you. 

Ive been blessed to have experienced so many things with you. From your first dinner at an Arizona family's house to you meeting your sponsor child. 

And besides you being this amazing loving person, you also happen to be one of the funniest people I know. 

When I first met you I didn't consider you an adult. Over the years you have grown so much and even though you will always be a kid at heart, I now can see that you in-fact are an adult (you're welcome you are now officially an adult in the eyes of a 20 year old - incase you weren't aware of the fact that you were in fact an adult.)

I know you already know this but just incase you have forgotten - God has huge plans for you. Even though you have already accomplished so much in your life, you have so many more incredible journeys ahead of you. I know you have had your fair share of curve balls thrown at you. And you have taken them with a smile on your face and faith in your heart and thrived in every way. 

Everything Jesus did was traced to the root of love and with all my heart I believe the same can be said for you. 

Ryan's first beach camp - Summer 2010

I pray that you never forget how wonderful you are. 

Regardless of circumstance - you are so loved 

Overnight is here!

Are any of you Parachute fans? I love love love Parachute. And their new album "Overnight" came out today.

Im listening to it on spotify right now and I will probably buy it once I get some money for my birthday (:

So far it sounds a bit more pop-y than usual. I'm not sure if its my favorite of theirs but I'm only on my second song of the album.

You should go check it out. And if you don't know who Parachute is heres a list of songs you should listen to by them:
Words Meet Heartbeats
White Dress
Ghost
The Mess I Made
What I Know

Basically just go listen to all of their songs. They are amazing

Forever and always

Inspiration List - Second two for one: since grade two

So I met one twin in second grade
I met the other twin in third grade.

Which is probably why my whole life I could tell them apart even just but talking to them on the phone. I don't think I ever mixed them up.

I wish I had pictures of this. I'm sure if could find them somewhere if i really searched. But we did "Young Olympians" together. Which was like a little cheerleading thing. We would go to a gym at some random school and I remember going in the bathroom and playing bloody murder with them.

We didn't necessarily have the same group of friends but we were almost always on the same softball team. And when you play softball on a school team you spend a lot of time with people.

I don't think I ever really had a fight with either of them. I mean sometimes softball would cause some drama but it would blow over so quickly.

Freshman year they were kinda in my group. Not the girls who were mean but sometimes we hung out with them. And even though they were friends with the other girls too, they stuck by my side.

I think they were the people I could always be 100% truthful with about how I felt about things and not have to worry about them judging me. There are so many times where I would just sit and vent about life with them (reoccurring theme? I think yes.)

I really don't know where we went our separate ways but for some reason we did. But that doesn't change the fact that I love both of them with all my heart.

The more I think about my memories with them the more I realize how much they actually did effect my life. And now I miss you girls a lot.

Freshman year of high school 

So.
Gianna and Nicole
Thank you so much for sticking by my side for so long.

Its so unlikely for people who get along when they are 6 or 7 to still get along when they are in high school. And for some reason I was lucky enough to have you guys there with me the whole way.

I hope college has been an amazing experience for you so far. I would love to see you girls soon, because you are amazing

So much love,
Dyl

I give you some pooh

When I was around 5 my sister passed out for a long time one day and we had to have the fire department come. I thought passing out was the same thing as passing away so when it happened I went to my room and grabbed these books to give to her cause they were my favorite books.

Found these today at a thrift shop and reminded me of that little experience.

Ive been so busy

):

guys I have been neglecting you and I am terribly sorry about that. I just moved into a new apartment and with that I need to find a job closer to where I'm living cause I don't have a backyard for my dog anymore so I need to be home more to let her out.

So I have been doing that and I have been knocking things off of a super long to do list and that has left me without new blog posts.

I am going to be picking up my game again soon I promise.